


kuebiko

by ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes



Series: alone he staggered on (until he found dawns ghost) [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Dream Smp, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Non-Graphic Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Toby Smith | Tubbo Needs a Hug, Toby Smith | Tubbo-centric, Villain Wilbur Soot, War, foreshadowing~, its awesome, its not quite happening yet but its implied, jschlatt is just great at playing the villain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27248794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes/pseuds/ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes
Summary: kuebikon. a state of exhaustion inspired by an act of senseless violence, which forces you to revise your image of what can happen in this world—mending the fences of your expectations, weeding out invasive truths, cultivating the perennial good that’s buried under the surface—before propping yourself up in the middle of it like an old scarecrow, who’s bursting at the seams but powerless to do anything but stand there and watch.-Tubbo doesn’t like war and he doesn’t like hurting. He doesn’t like how the world keeps spinning too fast, how every time he blinks Schlatt is barking orders and Tommy’s still gone and Fundy is tearing down another piece of the wall.But he hasn’t liked much, since L’Manberg was founded. He thought it would make him happy, being free. But every time he thinks about freedom he just sees Tommy on the boardwalk, an arrow through his stomach. The blood floating on top of the water, glittering black in the light of the moon.
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Jschlatt & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot, because dont ship real people, only platonic relationships in this household, ya fucking creeps (:
Series: alone he staggered on (until he found dawns ghost) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1991026
Comments: 16
Kudos: 286





	kuebiko

**Author's Note:**

> someone please just tell tubbo he's important he really needs it this arc
> 
> title is from dictionary of obscure sorrows

Tubbo thinks that he knew. Before anything happened, before it all went to shit, Tubbo thinks that he knew how this would go.

He dug a tunnel through the ground and he spent hours brewing potions because somewhere deep inside his heart he knew that Schlatt would win. The only thing he didn’t predict was what would happen after.

His head is still spinning. He can still feel the pressure of Schlatt’s hand on his shoulder, so similar to Tommy’s but so different at the same time. Tommy’s hands are calloused and dirty and bandaged. Schlatt’s are smooth and look like they’ve never touched the ground. The ring he wears makes his grip hurt more.

L’Manberg _was_ calluses. It was a nation built by hand, forged in sweat and blood and pride.

Tubbo shrinks into his seat as Schlatt speaks, trying to make himself as small as he can. Schlatt leans on the podium, inspecting his fingernails and smiling with too many teeth. Tubbo is close enough to Eret to see their fist shake. But they say nothing.

No one speaks up. No one dares to stand.

This is the first thing you learn about Schlatt; He always comes out on top.

-

Speaking to Tommy reminds Tubbo of drowning. The pounding heart, the empty lungs, the way that he can’t tell which direction will get him out alive.

Tommy’s face is bruised. Wilbur’s arm is wrapped in bandages from the arrow wound. And Tubbo doesn’t know Techno but he doesn’t like the look in the man’s eyes, the malice that glitters there like the reflection of a fire on a lake.

Tubbo doesn’t like war and he doesn’t like hurting. He doesn’t like how the world keeps spinning too fast, how every time he blinks Schlatt is barking orders and Tommy’s still gone and Fundy is tearing down another piece of the wall.

But he hasn’t liked much, since L’Manberg was founded. He thought it would make him happy, being free. But every time he thinks about freedom just sees Tommy on the boardwalk, an arrow through his stomach. The blood floating on top of the water, glittering black in the light of the moon.

He still remembers waking up in the chair next to Tommy’s hospital bed and seeing him gone, crying and hyperventilating while Fundy hugged him tight enough to bruise. He couldn’t breathe until he saw Tommy limp in through the gates, dragging their freedom behind him.

Tubbo can almost see that moment now, frozen in the lines of Tommy’s mouth. He was grinning, then. His jaw was clenched in pain and his bruises were nearly glowing but he was grinning bright enough to blind. He’s not grinning, now. His lips are set in a grimace. There’s coal dust in his hair. But the stern set of his face is unchanged; he’s just as angry as he ever was.

Tubbo is reminded, painfully, that Tommy is a callous. That all of them are. They’ve had to be, to last this long. To survive, to win, to build the walls and fight oppressors.

Tubbo’s arm twitches as he instinctively goes for a hug. He stills it and swallows the tears.

He and Tommy shake hands instead, sealing the pact, the deal. In his core, in the soft centre of his heart that holds everything he’s ever lived for, Tubbo doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. But he’s known for a long time that things rarely ever turn out how you want them to. No matter how many nights he’s lain awake, shaking and rumbling at the memories inside him, he knows that he’s a callous too. Built to steady the grip of a sword.

He thinks that Wilbur knows that, even if Tommy doesn’t. Tubbo can see it in his eyes, in the way he doesn’t hesitate to put his people in the line of fire, to use them for whatever he needs. Tubbo has always accepted that, has always been ready to be cannon fodder or a bargaining chip.

He still remembers being pinned to a wall by Sapnap’s sword; just a hostage. And not even the one they wanted. He was there to be Tommy’s second, there to be Schlatt’s lackey. And now he’s a spy, putting himself in between L’Manberg and a weapon, again.

He walks back to the White House alone and knows he will never be thanked for this, either. He thinks about making a library, with records of what’s happening, and knows that he won’t be remembered for it. He’s never going to go down in history as Wilbur and Tommy will. If they win he’ll be forgotten. If Schlatt wins, he’ll be erased.

He sits down by a piece of debris and tries to remember what he’s here for.

But he can almost hear Cat playing, almost feel the bench beneath him as he and Tommy watch the sunset. He’s not going to be remembered for anything he does. But he can make sure that Wilbur wins. That the true leaders of L’Manberg go down in history. He can be the callous, the hand, the sword. He can be the eyes. He can be cannon fodder and keep Tommy alive, and that will just have to be good enough.

He finds Schlatt leaning against a tree and stands beside him.  
  
“Where have you been?” Schlatt asks.

“Just on a walk,” Tubbo replies. His voice still shakes. He doesn’t know if he’s ever going to stop being scared of the arrow, even as he plants his feet in front of it.

“Good thing that you got back in time.”

And then the flag catches fire.

Tubbo lurches forward and Schlatt wraps a hand around his upper arm. His ring is going to leave a mark. “Calm down, Tubbo. It’s just Fundy. He’s proving himself.”

He bites down on his tongue till he’s swallowing blood, watching the flag go up in flames. He turns to look at Schlatt, his heart roaring in his ears, and thinks, loudly, _I’ll kill you._

He sets the soft centre of his heart on fire and vows to feed Schlatt to the flames.

-

The first time he sees Pogtopia, he’s worried. He doesn’t know what a real rebellion will look like, but he didn’t imagine it starting in a cave.

He doesn’t say that, of course. He couldn’t, not to Tommy.

Tommy’s not there when he sees it for the first time, but that’s not really the point.

Techno is the one who shows him around, yawning and stumbling over rocks, gesturing to a massive potato farm. Tubbo thinks he might have got Techno wrong the first time they met. He doesn’t feel like fire, now that they’re alone and there isn’t any fighting. He seems more tired, more calming. Warm coals instead of an open flame. It’s not as demanding. Tommy has been so angry lately, and Wilbur so paranoid, that it’s nice to speak to someone new.

“Why are you doing this?” Tubbo still asks.

“I enjoy chaos,” Techno replies, shrugging. His pink hair is pulled back in a tight ponytail, but he still runs a hand over his scalp like he’s pushing bangs out of the way. “Schlatt and I may be old friends, but I’m an anarchist at heart. Wilbur gets that.”

Yeah. It’s nice.

Techno stretches, yawns again, and then says “Alright, then. I’m gonna head to sleep. My back is killing me.”

And then Tubbo is alone again. He automates Techno’s potato farm and revels in the dirt on his hands and the shirt that’s always been too big for him. He doesn’t get to wear this anymore, not around Schlatt, and it shouldn’t be that big a deal, but it is. Suits feel wrong, too masculine and too oppressive. He thinks Eret might get that. Eret with their crowns and dresses and fluidity _._ But Tubbo doesn’t talk to Eret anymore. The only time he sees them these days is in nightmares.

He moves methodically and remembers trying to sleep on the floor of Tommy’s bedroom the first day after they won. He was staring at the window, watching the sky slowly brighten, when he heard Tommy whimper and mumble Eret’s name.

He thinks that he knew, then. Knew that things weren’t going to get better.

He pretended to sleep when Tommy jerked awake, gasping for breath. He woke up once Tommy had left the room, and then made them both pancakes even though he was tired because Tommy’s hands were still shaking and he couldn’t hold the spatula.

Tubbo almost cried. But he didn’t. He likes to think that Tommy’s gotten better because Tommy is stronger than Tubbo’s ever been. But he doesn’t really think it’s true. He doesn’t think any of them have.

_(For once, Tubbo doesn’t dream about war. Tonight, Tubbo dreams about fireworks.)_

**Author's Note:**

> comment and i will gain immortality


End file.
